Friday, February 26, 2010

it hurts

oh, it hurts it hurts it hurts

It's so sad and hard to be in pain.

I'm going back and forth in my moods. Yesterday was bad. Today started out good, then took a turn for the worse when I realized I hadn't heard from Dr. Gerhardt's assistant to schedule surgery and it was already 5:30. I frantically called the two numbers on his card, and at best had someone else send an urgent message that she wouldn't get until Monday morning... Damn! If I don't get this Tuesday appointment-
Who knows when the next one could be?
I don't want to expect the worst, but how else can you be as well prepared? I didn't feel at all skeptical of her when she said she would call me today. I should have known, it was part of the little lies we tell in doctors' offices. Dammit! I should have been more suspicious of her promises and made a mental note to call her by 4pm. I was lulled by her straightforward manner and dependable-sounding way of speaking.
But when I step back from it, I calm down. I can laugh a little. Shoulda coulda woulda.
That's what this whole mess is about anyways, isn't it?
Accepting the things you cannot change?
One small thing and your life is changed. I mean, thank god it was nothing worse. As Mestre said, this is nothing. In the grand scheme of things, it will get better. I'll be fine. He said this trying to get me to calm down, me freaking out and crying, at the academy right after it happened. And he was right, of course. In the moment, I thought about it and realized I should stop making a scene and just bit my tongue.
Truth is, I'm still angry and I wish it hadn't happened. I can still taste how my life was supposed to be.
I mean, in general, it's ok. The big things are still intact. This is just a challenge to my infinite powers of perseverance and determination to get there, wherever I want to go. An easy challenge, just the kind of thing I love. But it's a feeling of being affronted by Justice. What have I done to deserve this? I'm going to answer that with a quote that I love to quote. "Complaining that life isn't fair because you are a good person is like telling a bull not to gore you because you are a vegetarian."
I know I'm going to enjoy the ride, and I'm really going to enjoy the new discoveries that I will uncover along the way. There are going to be some major things that happen that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't broken my ankle, and I'll be thankful for it later.
And this is life.

I read another quote that I liked the other day. (I love quotes!) "It is the empty space within the vessel that makes it useful."

I really liked that quote, because it seems to refer to how something that might normally seem worthless, like empty space, is actually essential to the value of the item. I think time is kind of like empty space, and our lives are the vessel. We need to create space in our awareness for time, because time will change things. Assuming the worst (predicting the future in a negative way) denies the magical effect time has on all possibilities. Because it is very most likely that with time, there will be developments that push the end result in a positive direction. Everything will be ok. It will all work out. That's the way it has to be. That's the way it is.

Don't worry
Because every little thing,
is gonna be alright

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