Sunday, February 28, 2010

my world in pictures

The women's event started off well!

Woo hoo!

Colibri and Colibri

Brunch was a success.

Fun for everyone!

There's Buddha at the academy. Look at that face!

All the instructors. Proud to be a part of this group of Fabulous Ladies!

Hey there!

Meanwhile, back at the camp... Thank you Lia for bringing me delicious food and cute lil' mini-me to cheer me up!

Closeup of my bone-healing diet. Mmmmm, sardines!

Friday, February 26, 2010

it hurts

oh, it hurts it hurts it hurts

It's so sad and hard to be in pain.

I'm going back and forth in my moods. Yesterday was bad. Today started out good, then took a turn for the worse when I realized I hadn't heard from Dr. Gerhardt's assistant to schedule surgery and it was already 5:30. I frantically called the two numbers on his card, and at best had someone else send an urgent message that she wouldn't get until Monday morning... Damn! If I don't get this Tuesday appointment-
Who knows when the next one could be?
I don't want to expect the worst, but how else can you be as well prepared? I didn't feel at all skeptical of her when she said she would call me today. I should have known, it was part of the little lies we tell in doctors' offices. Dammit! I should have been more suspicious of her promises and made a mental note to call her by 4pm. I was lulled by her straightforward manner and dependable-sounding way of speaking.
But when I step back from it, I calm down. I can laugh a little. Shoulda coulda woulda.
That's what this whole mess is about anyways, isn't it?
Accepting the things you cannot change?
One small thing and your life is changed. I mean, thank god it was nothing worse. As Mestre said, this is nothing. In the grand scheme of things, it will get better. I'll be fine. He said this trying to get me to calm down, me freaking out and crying, at the academy right after it happened. And he was right, of course. In the moment, I thought about it and realized I should stop making a scene and just bit my tongue.
Truth is, I'm still angry and I wish it hadn't happened. I can still taste how my life was supposed to be.
I mean, in general, it's ok. The big things are still intact. This is just a challenge to my infinite powers of perseverance and determination to get there, wherever I want to go. An easy challenge, just the kind of thing I love. But it's a feeling of being affronted by Justice. What have I done to deserve this? I'm going to answer that with a quote that I love to quote. "Complaining that life isn't fair because you are a good person is like telling a bull not to gore you because you are a vegetarian."
I know I'm going to enjoy the ride, and I'm really going to enjoy the new discoveries that I will uncover along the way. There are going to be some major things that happen that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't broken my ankle, and I'll be thankful for it later.
And this is life.

I read another quote that I liked the other day. (I love quotes!) "It is the empty space within the vessel that makes it useful."

I really liked that quote, because it seems to refer to how something that might normally seem worthless, like empty space, is actually essential to the value of the item. I think time is kind of like empty space, and our lives are the vessel. We need to create space in our awareness for time, because time will change things. Assuming the worst (predicting the future in a negative way) denies the magical effect time has on all possibilities. Because it is very most likely that with time, there will be developments that push the end result in a positive direction. Everything will be ok. It will all work out. That's the way it has to be. That's the way it is.

Don't worry
Because every little thing,
is gonna be alright

the week crawls by

Well I'm healing the best I can- trying to make sure I'm eating healthy (quinoa, kale and sardines!), drinking lots of water, not moving around as much as I can (that's difficult!)... but actually i can't heal too much just yet because surgery is next week.

I was really cranky yesterday, and it was really painful. I guess it's a part of the healing process. All together I really woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Today it's still painful but my spirits are better.

It must be the stages of loss. Shock, denial, anger, grief, acceptance. In no particular order, and parts can repeat itself.

Hopefully I'll be able to schedule surgery for Tuesday, the earliest date possible. From there on out I can just heal.

I'm trying to decide whether or not I should take the vicodin... I was able to get by without it on Wednesday- been trying to handle the pain, but after a while it gets old. Yesterday I just took one. The splint is so heavy it pulls on my foot and that makes it hurt more than anything. That combined with the rush of blood when I put the foot down.

Well soon it'll be over, just another type of adventure under my belt. I'll tell this story when I'm on top of Mount Kilimanjaro, and it'll be like a battle wound!

For now I'm just happy that I have a great little spot to hang out in, my mom comes to take care of me, and I have friends to check on me as well. I'm very happy.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Looking ahead

When you have an injury, it doesn't matter how bad it is.

You still have to recover from it. You have to make do with what you've got and go from there. You can't look at it and despair. You can't imagine what the future is going to be like. You can't look away from wellwishers and reply bitterly to their hopeful predictions. You can't predict the worst, you can't even pretend to agree and inside be bitter. You have to REALLY BELIEVE that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.

And guess what. It will. It really will. There is no other outcome. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.

And once I got over that, it was ok.

I'm torn up inside, just on the border of that feeling-sorry-for-myself feeling, about to jump headfirst into the overflowing well of tears. I know what I'm about to face, but if I look up at it like its an unsurmountable wall, there will be no way I'll get over it. Once you visualize that wall, it'll never come down. There is no wall. There is just an ever flowing river of opportunity.

Fractured Fibula and Distorted Deltoid

So, next in my line of adventuring...

I broke my ankle!

A physio/physical therapist trades places with her patients.

I will be having surgery next week, and then, I'll have a metal plate installed!
Orthopedic surgery.
It's going to have a whole new meaning.

For now I'm lying here on my couch, foot elevated over my head.
For at least 5 more days, until the swelling goes down.

I'm all wooooozy!

And thanks be to god, I figured out a way to position my foot inside the splint so it's not cutting off circulation and making my toes all numb and cold. What a relief!!!!

And I'm working on spreading positive vibes. Positive vibration, ye-yah! It's going to Help me Heal. I'm going to drink lots of Water and eat Quality foods. I'm going to bask in the rays of friendly well wishers who have sprung from the depths to surround me with light, Thank You Friends!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Home again... for now! With New Year's Resolutions and everything!

It always surprises me (pleasant surprise!) to hear from people whom I rarely see and yet read my blog.

You know who you are! ;-)

So I've been inspired to keep writing. Because there is a void out there, one I am willing to contribute to, creating content for inner space.

Anyways, to update you all on my current events... I am rearranging things at home. Home, what an interesting concept. Home is where the heart is. I have so many hearts out here in Los Angeles. It is so wonderful to reconnect with you all. My friends = my family. And vice versa, including any and all fights, miscommunications, or temporary misgivings. And it's nice to be back among the familiar, the ones who know you, know your faults and foibles and who have been there for years...

But like I said, I am rearranging. Getting rid of the old to make way for the new. Change is inevitable, change is necessary. (I went through the closet, switched around the coffee table and the entertainment "center"... Got to get rid of all that stuff I keep but don't need!)

It's like a New Year's Resolution. Yes, that's what it is. I am going to look at the old way of doing things and try to find a new way to see them, to find new solutions for old problems, new ways that make impossible dreams more plausibly possible. I must admit, I came up with this theory while playing a video game app on my iphone *I love my iphone, yes I'm a mac!* Anyways, the app presents you with a problem and you have to find the solution. But you can get stuck in a rut trying to solve the problem in the same way every time. You can only pass the level by trying something new within the paradigm, bypassing perceived limitations and defying your natural instincts. Then all of a sudden the answer becomes clear! But only because you twisted your thinking around and challenged your assumptions.

Something else I have resolved to do is to try to maintain calmness and peace. No panic. Slow down. Stop trying to multi-task everything and make time to sit and relax. Enjoy the downtime. Efficiency is great but you gotta live life and let life happen. I love how time is that secret, savoury ingredient that deepens and mellows the flavour. (Note the use of the extra "u"!!!! hahahahhaha)

Oh! And I'm going to write about my workouts. Because that is the worst time offender of all for me. Characteristically I love to work out. But I can get a little obsessive with it all. Like freaking out if I can't get a workout in. Or trying to figure out how I can do two workouts in a day. Or staying for 2 hours to workout... (But I love the pain!) Oh right, the pain! It ain't right unless I'm sore all over, all the time! Capoeira, running, hiking, biking, rock climbing, lifting weights, core strengthening, roller blading, the list goes on.

Today I did good. I kept it under one hour, and did not do the core twisting movements with the free-cable machines that I think were what did my back in last time. But it was only because I didn't have time, because I was supposed to meet some people and I didn't want to be late. Otherwise, I could easily have found another exercise or two or three to continue with. But I did stretch when I was done, and I resolved to post some photos of my typical stretches that I do that help keep my back pain-free...

That'll be for next time. For now, I'm going to sign off and go enjoy the rest of the night!